Spare Me the 'Sex Talk'
by ginny-go die in a corner
Summary: Hermione has taken it upon herself to give Harry 'The Talk'. Ron has taken it upon himself to make sarcastic comments at Harry's expense... Challenge One-shot


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

a/n: Just a short little ficlet for padfootsrevenger's **'Sex Talk Challenge'**. You had to use at least 10 of their quotes. (I used 11.) Dare you to guess which ones were the required quotes. The winner gets a (metaphorical) cookie!

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Harry Potter was moping in his favorite chair by the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room when Hermione Granger stepped through the portrait hole, Ron Weasley following closely at her heels. Upon spotting her morose friend, Hermione made her way over to him and plopped down in the chair next to his.

She waited a few moments for Harry to acknowledge her, but when he remained staring silently into the fire, she spoke first. "Why are you so quiet?"

Harry sighed and rested his elbow on the arm of the chair, his hand cupping his chin. "I'm not quiet, I'm plotting," he replied.

Ron snorted. "Right. And Ginny's not shy, she's just studying her prey," he said with all the sarcasm he could muster (which was a lot) as he went to lean on the back of Hermione's chair, his arms folded so that the tips of his fingers barely brushed the back of her hair.

Hermione ignored Ron's snarky comment and continued interrogating Harry, trying desperately to figure out why he was so glum. "Seriously, Harry. What's wrong?"

Harry sighed again and finally turned towards Hermione. "Well, you know that..." he conspicuously looked up at Ron and then back to Hermione, "_thing _I was telling you about earlier?" She nodded eagerly. "It kinda... happened..." Harry looked down at his hands, which were twisting about nervously in his lap.

"Merlin's pants, Harry!" she cried, causing both Harry and Ron to jump and more than a few studious Gryffindors to cast her dirty looks over their shoulders as they returned to their homework after being distracted by Hermione's outburst. Softer, she added, "When? Where? Please tell me _everything_! Well, you know, not _everything _but everything."

"Wait," Ron chided his overzealous girlfriend, pulling her back in her chair by her shoulders. "Will you explain to me again why you feel the need to to be in everyone's business and be so confusing about it as well?" He asked, trying to save the blushing Harry from yet another of Hermione's constant attempts at prying into his private life.

"Only if _you _care to explain to me again why I need a _boyfriend_." Hermione said through the bared teeth of a fake smile.

Catching her drift, Ron released his hold on her shoulders and took a defensive step backwards, his hands raised.

"Hermione, maybe we could, erm, discuss this matter in a more... _private _setting?" Harry suggested, looking pointedly at Ron as he did so.

"Harry James Potter!" she scolded. "You mean to tell me that he doesn't know?"

Ron's mouth contorted into a grimace of confusion. "I don't know what?"

Completely ignoring Ron, Hermione continued. "Harry, if you're ready to take your relationship to the next level, you really ought to tell your best mate about the two of you. I mean, if you really _are_ ready. There's no need to rush." Knowing what was coming next, Harry groaned and hid his face in his hands. "Sex is a big decision, and can often bring about the end of a relationship if you're not prepared."

Ron chuckled. "I'd say we were pretty prepared, wouldn't you, 'Mione?" He poked her playfully in the side.

Without taking her eyes off Harry, Hermione reached up and behind her and smacked Ron squarely across the face. "Poke me again and you die," she warned him. Then to Harry, she said, "Honestly, if only closed minds came with closed mouths..." as Ron rubbed his sore cheek.

"Please, spare me 'the sex talk', Hermione," Harry said. "It's already been done. And besides, I don't really think it's something that should be discussed between... all three of us, _especially _if Ron doesn't know my... situation."

"Nonsense!" Hermione dismissed his previous statement with a wave of her hand. "Don't be such a muggle, Harry! Who _can _you talk to about sex if not your friends?"

"_I'd_ rather not talk about Harry's sex life, actually," Ron interjected, his reddened cheek momentarily forgotten as he resumed his place behind Hermione's chair. "Especially if it involves... who I think it involves." He cringed.

Harry's eyes widened. "You _know_?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "I think pretty much everyone does. You'd have to be a real dolt not to see it."

Harry frowned. "I thought we were being fairly subtle..." he mumbled to himself. "And you're... okay with this?" he asked Ron doubtfully.

He shrugged and ground the toe of his shoe into the carpet. "I guess. It's not like my opinion really matters." Hermione snorted in disagreement, but Ron continued. "I'd just hope that whatever you two choose to do, you don't do it in my bed..." Ron shrugged again and half-smiled at Harry to show that he was joking (for the most part) and Harry sighed in relief.

Hermione smiled kindly. "See there, Harry? You didn't even have to tell him! Our little Ronnie-kins figured it out all by hisself!" she cooed mockingly as she reached behind her to pull Ron to her side my his shirt collar. Once he was down on her level, she planted a wet kiss on his cheek. He groaned and wrenched himself dramatically from her grasp. "Why, he's a _genius_!" she cried, once again disturbing the others studying in the corner.

Ron laughed pompously and informed her, "I prefer to be called '_evil_' genius, thank you!" He straightened out his collar where Hermione had grabbed it. "I mean, it could be worse, couldn't it?" Ron asked Harry rhetorically. "You could be dating-"

He was interrupted by a knock on the portrait hole. Everyone in the common room turned toward the noise. Either Neville had once again forgotten the password, or it was a visitor from another house. A radiant smile lit up Harry's face and he immediately jumped to his feet and ran to open the portrait. He reached his hand out to whomever was outside and eagerly pulled them in, by the looks of the force Harry had to use, against their will.

"Malfoy..." The conclusion of Ron's sentence fell on deaf ears as the entire common room stared on in shock at the strange scene that was unfolding in front of them.

Draco Malfoy looked around meekly, his grip on Harry's hand tightening. "_Harry_," he whispered through gritted teeth. "You scruffy-looking nerf herder, I thought we agreed that it was best if we kept this a _secret_!"

Harry shook his hand comfortingly and moved closer to his new boyfriend. "I know, but Ron said he was okay with it, and Hermione already knew." He brushed Draco's cheek and tucked a stray blonde hair behind his ear. "I don't care what anyone else thinks, as long as my friends understand."

Ron closed his gaping mouth with an audible snap. "_Understand_?" He choked out looking from Harry, to Draco, then to their clasped hands. He leaned down and said to Hermione,"You _knew_ about..." he gestured wildly at the couple, "_this_?"

Hermione looked up at him and rolled her eyes. "Of course," she said nonchalantly. "You knew too, remember? The epiphany happened, oh, I don't know," she looked at her wrist as if looking at a watch, "_two minutes ago_!" She made a face at him. "What's with you?"

"What's with _me_? What's with _them_?" Ron said hysterically. "This can't be happening..." he said almost to himself as he began to pace slowly. "You're supposed to be dating my sister!" he said to Harry.

Harry looked surprised. "Ginny? We're just friends. Who gave you the idea that we were together?"

Ron stared at him for a moment before yelling, "_You _did!"

"Draco's the only one for me," Harry said before turning his head and kissing him softly on the cheek. Draco still looked nervous about being in a room full of people who hated him with his newly out-of-the-closet boyfriend, but he accepted Harry's kiss with a smile. "Are we on for tonight?" Harry whispered seductively in Draco's ear.

"Again? But I am le tired," Draco complained jokingly.

Harry grinned evilly and looked at Ron as he said to Draco, "We won't have to sneak off to the Room of Requirement any more. Ron here has volunteered his bed."

"Voldemort's nipple!" Ron exclaimed as he fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Draco scoffed at the prone Ron. "He _fainted_? That's gayer than a fruit basket..."


End file.
